Today is my birthday.

I don’t know exactly when, but I felt those birthday things not excite me anymore right now.

Today I turned 23. quite a young right? people say that everything starts on your 23

In Indonesia culture, a woman in the early 23 usually gets married. there’s a bunch of my friends that getting married, and that pressure got so real to me from my parents, my grandparents, or another related family.

The thing is, today is my birthday I already get 2 broken hearts. if you asked me that “are you fine?” well I would say that I don’t know. sometimes I felt fine but I still crying like a baby at night.

A few weeks ago I suddenly thought and texted my best friend “I just wanna free”. What free? I mean that I’m scared that I would not feel free anymore in the next few years. Because of that external pressure or even my own thoughts that really torture me on a daily basis.

One thing that really punches me hard, that the more I get old, I realized that my parents and family are getting older too.

I’m scared that they will get so old and don’t remember me anymore. or simply that I’m getting too busy to be with them or maybe they passed away.

Today I started questioning my self, what’s next? what the things that really be a purpose to me to live? in what way I wanna live my life?

I know that life is gonna punch me harder from now, but I already nailed in the past 22 years, and I will nail it too in the next 50 more years.

And from now, I would not afraid of being alone anymore, I’m a big girl in the big city, I also can afford my bills and my lifestyle. I can do whatever I want.

Today I turned 23.

Today is the day I’ll put my anxiety behind.

Today my purpose in life is to be happy.

Today my journey starts getting real shit and I will slay it no matter what happen next

A big girl in big city. I’m Writing to describe my random feeling and thoughts